some jokes i stumbled across :)

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cosmo
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some jokes i stumbled across :)

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The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”



"Dyslexic man walks into a bra"



A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"



"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays",


Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.


Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.


A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
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cosmo
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Re: some jokes i stumbled across :)

Post by cosmo »

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.


My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.


I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".


There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"



When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband".


I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.


Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.


Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.


I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.


I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"
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cosmo
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Joined: 11 Sep 2009, 11:42

Re: some jokes i stumbled across :)

Post by cosmo »

I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"


A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster


My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"


I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.


A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


I tried water polo but my horse drowned.


A seal walks into a club...



A bit of red tarmac and a bit of black tarmac were sat quietly in the pub having a pint when this bit of green tarmac walks in, beats the living daylights out of the red bit of tarmac, and then storms off again. The barman says to the bit of black tarmac, "What the heck was all that about?" The bit of black tarmac replies, "You have to be careful not to upset that one. He's a bit of a cyclepath..."


A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."



Did you hear the story about the peacock? It's a beautiful tale.


" I've got the best wife in England. The other one's in Africa."


As an Englishman and a Scot were admiring a horse, the horse stepped into a hole and broke it's leg. The Englishman said, "where I come from, we shoot a horse with a broken leg".
The Scot replied, "where I come from, we use a gun".


A Mother Superior was addressing her convent of nuns one day. She said;

'i have sad news, we have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'

one old nun whispered; 'Thank God, I'm sick of chardonnay'.




Two atoms were walking down the road and suddenly, one fell down. The other asked, "are you all right?" The first answered, " I think so, but I believe I've lost my electron". The second asked, "are you sure?" The first answered, "yes, I'm positive".



Did you hear about the blonde fish? It drowned.



Two blondes were standing on either side of a raging river when one shouted to the other, "how do I get on the other side"? The other shouted back, "you're already on the other side."


I went to the Doctor's the other day. He said " I've not seen you in a while". I said "no, I've not been well"


I went to the doctor with a piece of celery in my nose, mince on my head and ketchup in my ears. He said "I know what's the matter with you, you're not eating properly."


Van Gogh goes in a bar and orders a pint of beer. Once served his friend enters the same bar and sees Van Gogh, he shouts..."Vincent, can I get you a drink"?
Van Gogh replies "No thanks, I've got one 'ere"


Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

A. I don't know why you're shaking. It's me she's going to eat.



Shortly after we moved to the country we gave a dinner party for some new acquaintances. One rather rude lady said 'How much land do you own'. I said 'As far as the eye can see - as long as you can't see over the hedge.'
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